Fighting through Surviving:Scared to death

Hey guys, it has literally been years since I have last posted anything, and I wish it was on better terms. I have been working up the courage to write these thoughts, and it takes me a lot more time to process language formation anyways these days. I am dealing with something that is extremely unanswerable, and because of that my life from how I always knew it is now falling apart. This past summer I went to the dentist for what one would assume would be a routine dental cleaning, and in the process ended up getting my jaw dislocated by the "dentist". Needless to say, I will never go to a dentist again ever because of it. I would rather place myself in front of a firing squad than ever loose what I have again due to that awful person. Side effects of it all have been way beyond what any person could or would ever imagine. Aside from the given physical issues of jaw pain, neck pain, and thoracic spine pain, I also now have language distortion issues in understanding how sentences are formulated, what was said by others, and difficulty also retaining information. I live in the moment all the time now, and not in a good way. I can't see beyond what is going on in the literal minute, and my short term memory is lost. Any memories I do have now come to me in image flashes instead of full stories like they used to. I am living in an existential crisis, because I also experience disconnect from my body, and question how we know how to automatically respond to everything, either through sentence formation when that doesn't make sense to me, or question instinct I.E. answering phones, watching TV, using computers or any inanimate object in life etc. None of these issues ever existed before getting my jaw dislocated, so it is hard not to think that they are all because of it. Even though I can write sentences, reading them back gets super jumbled, same with auditory listening. How do we know how to do what we do, and not wonder? How do we know what people are asking to then know how to answer? Long story short, I can't turn this high alert situation off, and it is what is driving me literally crazy. I don't feel emotion anymore or connections to people like I used to, I barely feel like I know people, only that I'm supposed to, hence the in the moment conversations/interactions, because people are who are there to speak to. Intrusive thoughts and nightmares or no dreams at all often come too. I don't even remember my childhood. I used to be a person who remembered entire situations inside and out. Now I don't even feel connections to my own details (my name or my birth date for example, how do we know to appropriately respond to those?) It's as if I'm like a robot who just boots up every morning and somehow knows how to interact, when I myself seem to just float through and question reality. Other sensations I still continue to get are limb and tongue tingling, as well as tongue numbness and metallic tasting though my mouth. My heart has also now started palpitating all on its own, at odd hours, even the middle of the night from dead sleep or cruising down the sidewalk, so I know its not from a panic attack either. It is all very terrifying. I am living through all of this alone medically because nobody medically oriented or other wise has any answers. I'm tired of being told it's "just anxiety or stress, or it's just from your/my jaw" when I know my body, and I normally don't fuss about anything for this long unless I know something is wrong. I've been spurting blood before and carried on limping through dirt while drunk on tequila, or after getting my face bashed into the concrete after a nasty fall on ice, and many much worse, so when I say something is up, something's up. I'm sick of professional people asking me "and how do you feel about that?" and telling me that they can only help me through the emotions of it all, when they already know how I feel, and that it sucks ass, hardcore! I want my life back! I've always been a fighter since birth, and have never really given up, but if that's where this is going, I guess I'm OK with it. I have never once gave any thought to life after death, but if all of this is happening to help my soul part from my body, I'm ready. I'm not afraid to die, I'm only scared of not getting to see myself happy again before it happens. I would give anything to live my life one day completely normal as it was before the trauma. I would love to see one of my life dreams besides walking get to come to fruition before going, though knowing that Austin is on the other side of this waiting for me to join him, ready to jump, run, skip and dance with me for all of eternity makes this all just a tiny tad easier. Part of me dreads when I wake up in the morning now, because that means that I'm just stuck in this pattern once again for at least the time being or that day, when there is the other side of me that knows that Austin is giving me the push I need to make it through that particular day because that may be the day that everything gets restored, but yet, I'm still waiting. My life has been hard and sad enough, and I think the universe needs to make up its mind already, if I'm not dying through this, my spirit sure is and I don't know how much longer it'll be able to hold on.