Letter to a Angel..

My Dearest Austin, Man, it has been forever since I wrote those words. I can't remember the last time I wrote you a letter, I think the last time was at your memorial service, to go in your family's memory keepsake box, and as I said that day, I don't know how to sum up any or all the words to truly explain just how much you meant to me in the very depths of my soul, because you truly had all my words with you, and you still do to this day, they left this earth the moment you did. I have been able to recall small blips of memories to share with everyone online, but I still don't think anyone will ever know, heck, I don't even think you knew most days, even when I told you. How did we get here though, to the day when everything I write you now has to be past tense? Even though time has past, and I've let go of you, the most I'll ever be able to, it's still just simply not fair. How is it that one of the greatest people I will ever know and love in all of my life had to be taken, and horrific and terribly awful people still get to be here??? Without you here, the world I now live in is just an existence, I'm so not even kidding you bubs, not even a little bit. I am still haunted by that one reoccurring dream you knew of, that one I used to have all the time of you stuck in the pitch black dark woods, calling out for me to come find and help you, since I'm the only one who can hear you, while you are being trapped/tortured and you're in pain and I have to get to you to make it stop. So, I run against time every time, and just before I reach you, you start to flat-line and my legs turn to noodles just before our hands grasp and we are able to save one another. We always saved each other both in the figurative subconscious and the literal conscious life. Though now, looking back, I know exactly what it was that my mind was trying to tell me was causing you such pain, and I'm so blessed to have gotten to be who I was to you, and to stand by and "save" you in whatever way I could. I remember once how you wrote me, and told me I was a miracle that was brought to your life, and how I was a gift from/and how you believed in God, when really you were also all those things for/to me as well. What freaks me out the most though is that just before you left us, I began having the dream again only now just before we reached each other you flat-lined, and I fell down a spiraling hole as my noodled legs then became part of the ground.-- I was unable to save you, and that's the way it reoccurs now.. Why wasn't I able to save you? In dream or reality, when just who I was and my faith/belief in you was enough before? You always came back. I recall all the moments you came back with such unbelievable fondness, the moments I would hear the Dooley Call from behind me, and for me to stop and turn around to find you holding your hands out for me to "run" to you to be then spun around in a hug of being reunited. I ask myself that all the time, you really should just get to be here with us, period. There's also another dream I only have now since you've gone, where I go with you, the same way you went, holding your hand as we both go together, so that we are not alone. That's the thing though, why would I dream something like that, when you never let our friendship be effected by that world? We were just us when we were together, Austin and Dooley, that's it. We were untainted, we of course knew of it, but just never spoke of it, our friendship was pure, innocent, and an all around genuine bond just for who the other person was, and for what we meant/brought to the other's life. We never once fought, or were mean to the other, ever. You never once even wanted me to worry or to be sad ever either. The second you thought I was ever gonna cry over anything, you were the one who was there with open arms for a hug, and you promised me that you would always be there when I needed you, to be my family, and that I would always have a family in/with you. You did everything and or anything to make me happy, anything to bring a smile to my face, including saying "yes" to prom. We were going to be the "Pimpinest couple there," as you called it, in our sparkling red. Only we never got to show that off. So, I guess that's what the most recent dream shows me, that whenever I really am meant to join you, I really won't be alone, because I'll have you there with/waiting for me, and we'll finally get to have our dance in our red threads, and finally run that race we owe eachother. I look forward to all the things we'll get to do once we're together again someday, and therefore, I am no longer scared of dying. I can't wait to ride rainbows with you, and throw snow and weather conditions down at/to people down here on Earth. As I once told you BubbaLove, I have always envisioned my heart to be filled with many more little hearts inside of it, and each person in my life holds an individual heart of mine all their own.. Our friendship though, the Austin and Dooley duo, held/holds the "box" if you will that holds all those said hearts. The heart of all the hearts, my heart.:) I know you're still with me everyday as I still talk to you vocally, but I miss writing you, so I think I may keep it up, my blog will get to have a special section just for you now, so that you can receive updates on the adventures you are sending my way. I love and miss you bunches bubs, everyday, more than you'll ever know... *Pounds* and ~Swiggles!!!~ to you forever and always, Lovin'! 4 Life!!!! Love, Your DooleyGirlLove

With my whole heart, more than my life...

Hey everyone, I realized this morning that I haven't written a blog in almost 2 years, and so I wanted to leave my mark once again.. It has been a very fast, life changing couple years of growth as an individual for me, and I don't even know where to begin truthfully.. Many of you, who are already following me on Facebook, know a lot of what I'm going to write about already, but it's nice to get it all out in writing.. I used to write all the time, journaling, letters, all of that, but then it was as if I lost my voice, and all my words were gone.. My heart had stopped too. It all started the day I found out my best man and guardian angel had passed away. At that point Austin had been a part of my life for 8 years, 3 months, and 10 days.. And those were the best days I'll ever know. I've written about Austin before in a couple of my most previous entries to this one, so I don't think I need to repeat myself too much, but some things still need to said. Austin simply was one of the greatest people I'll ever know, he is the reason I'm even still here so that other people can still have me in their lives. Many people won't know until now that I was in a very dark place within myself when I met him, and he's the person who brought me out of that. I never told anybody this, but now it'll be out there for everyone, but that throughout my life I had gotten really good at holding in the hurt, and putting a smile on just to give me strength to make it through daily life, in a sense up until he walked into my life, (or more like ran into my life), and could break down those walls, it was a lie to the rest of the world, but it was what I had to do to make it through, and he saw that. It's like he knew it from the very beginning without my needing to ever say anything at all about it, we were kindred spirits in that way I guess. Our spirits were drawn to the other's, especially mine to his, because I could sense his genuineness, the trueness, the love, and family all staring back at me. It wasn't as if he had known me for years and had grown up into any of our bond like most other people, it was straight off the bat for him, which kind of actually took me aback for a minute, most people eased their way into knowing me and walked on egg shells for a very long time, but not Austin, I was his Dooley girl from hello. I was normal and I was beautiful just simply as me, I was everything I had wanted to be to everyone else to him right away. He believed in me in a way nobody else did, and that alone among many other things from him truly saved me in so many ways, through his love I felt like I mattered again, and that in itself helped me to believe in myself again. I was needed by him as the other half of our best friend duo, and so I just had to be there.. To encourage him too, to greet his smile with my smile, to have my arms open for a hug whenever he needed one, and to have my hand available if either of us needed another to hold. He would ask me daily, "have you saved/changed the world yet today, Dooley?" And if I would say "no" he would then say, "well then Dooley girl, you're nowhere near done". Those words now resonate in my head everyday, and give me all the more reason in the world to still keep going, even if it means that now it has to be without him. "Without him" I really truly hate the idea of that. To this day, I still haven't let myself realize that he's really "gone". It took me 6-9 months to grieve the loss of his earthly shell, but I know that he in every other aspect is still here with me. In small gestures he still sends signs that save me from myself, mental/emotionally and physically everyday, so that I don't fall figuratively or literally. I mean lets face it, we met by both being late to the same class and nearly knocking each other out as we were trying to get through the door, and he caught me as I nearly fell on my face, and we sat next to each other and were inseparable since. So how could he not still be here for me? He's still the reason a smile reflects back to me in a mirror, how I can look at myself and tell myself I'm amazing, beautiful, a rock-star, and many more gifts all because of him. I hope now people will be able to respect just how much he meant to my life, and the saving of it, and just how much we loved each other as best friends to the other. Before him, I never thought I'd ever be seen, but in being given the gift of Dooley, I truly was. There will never be anybody who will ever adore me, the ground I walked on, or even the fact that I walk at all, quite like he did, I was on a pedestal, perfect as I am, and so was he for me. We saw each other beyond how the world around us saw us. Accepted. Lovin'! 4 Life, BubbaLove. :) Together we had a dream that we would one day open up an agency that would help disabled people and people battling addictions. Well bubs, that agency will open. Your Dooley graduated in 2012 with my AA, and now I'll be transferring to CSU in the fall,just as we always planned, and the dream will live on all because of you. So, that is what I have been up to the past couple years everyone, getting the first part of my education done, and continuing on. Austin was there when I made the decision to officially finish my AA, he got to be a part of my first 3 months back into it, and he was there as I walked across that stage and got my diploma, just as he always said he would be, and he was there as I got my acceptance letter to CSU as well.. The hardest most bittersweet lesson I had to get throughout all of this now in getting everything academically I've always wanted, is that sometimes you have to loose your whole world in one person to get to where you stand today, and as Austin said as I made that decision, "If you do this, I'll be with you every step of the way Dooley, cheering the loudest at every turn, and at your graduation(s)", and you know what? I know he was and still will be too!!!! "Always and forever!!!" :)