Valentines Day Reflection: Massacre of the Heart for Sure:

Hey everyone! I promised I would check in more often in 2019, so here I am.. As I approach the arrival of my 33rd birthday in 2 days, I reflect on what I am feeling about life right now. I feel like both a success as well as such a horrible failure. I feel as though someone who is my age should be entirely in a different place than where I feel I am. Now, I know you're not supposed to compare yourself to others and everyone has their own paths and own timing for things to happen, blah, blah blah.. but I can't help it. My birthday is also on Valentine's Day which constantly throws in someone's face just how alone they are, when the day is set aside for couples. Now, I don't know if I mentioned in my last posting about my recent breakup or not.. So, if I did, I apologize for repeating myself, but I guess I didn't realize how big of a sting that left on me. I had fully invested myself into making the relationship work this time, (he and I had dated briefly before when we were younger), and I thought that since we were older, we were more ready to have a mature adult relationship. I was wrong. While I was the one constantly saying for us to have open communication, and was the one to bring things out to the open, by calling them to a head, when I knew or felt things were awkward, he however could never do that without lashing out at me. He would hold things until he cracked, and then I became the whipping post to receive the brunt of his outbursts. This is, and was not OK. It never is. It turns out, he was hiding some pretty dark secrets from me, as well as himself, and has struggled to admit them outwardly, and that's why he would burst when he did. When he finally did open up about these secrets or his truths, my jaw was left on the floor. He had cheated on me, and waited an entire week to confess at the very least. Which this is not OK whatsoever either. Due to the circumstances, that cannot be divulged by myself, it was extremely obvious we could not stay in a relationship. I was not willing to be put in a place where I was constantly left wondering or questioning whether he was consistently doing stuff behind my back, or that whenever he had moments of weakness or was feeling neglected, that he wouldn't step out on me again. Therefore, this is the last time I want to talk or think about it. I will not be made to feel guilty for making the decision to self preserve. I will stand strong in it, as a strong woman, for I know it is what is right for me, and that God has my back on it. I did nothing wrong to deserve that. I deserve a true and genuine man, and a future, filled with love, devotion, happiness, and the possibility of being able to mother children, and to not have my family be broken up by heartbreak later on. That is never fair. So, when I am told by both him and those who surround him, that they need or want answers, and or that "the ball is in my court" to still make a decision on whether or not we can still be together or not, no, I'm sorry, but that decision was made when he did what he did.. Regardless of whether or not it "was a one time thing" or "will never happen again".. The fact it is, it did. So, in doing so, his and my story is officially closed, never to be taken off the bookshelf of life again. That is it. Phew, thank goodness I got that off my chest before starting my new year in life. A new and beautiful WOMAN. Until next time, I love and appreciate you all!!