Hi everyone,
I don't really know what to write about today, because nothing really new has happened lately. I just felt like writing for the fun of it I guess. I hope this finds all of you well, and with smiles on your faces. :) The past few weeks have been pretty uneventful in mine and the Zigster's lives. I figure this is probably one of those times in our lives that has been dubbed a "growing period" for us to really just have time to ourselves, and to discover what our next move in life should be, and let me tell you, that is really hard for me as it usually is for most other people as well. That is why I titled this entry what I did, because some days it just hurts. I am or will be taking part in a small group study through my ministry entitled, "Experiencing God", and in the first section of the study that I did ahead of time tonight, it talked about how we as people either just trust completely that at the end of everyday we did all that we were meant to do, while others of us want to know all the whos, whats, wheres, whens and whys of life, in a sort of "road map" format from Him, before proceeding forward with anything. I find myself being on the fence with both sides of that situation. Most days, deep down, I tend to just simply believe that I've done everything He wanted me to do that day, but other days when I feel like I'm not being guided or propelled in any which way whatsoever, it just makes it hard to belief that I'm just supposed to sit and wait. And, when things seem to actually be going blessfully well for no reason, there may even be a wrench suddenly thrown into the works, to set everything off into a whole other direction, which then may not even be answered as to why anything caused that for a very long time. Many people say that through prayer, the answers are either, yes, no, or maybe. The trouble I still wonder and often get hung up on, is whether the answer to something is to just simply wait longer or that it truly is a no. What do you do? Is there a time limit on when to accept the answer as a no or to continue waiting 30 years or until the day you die? That plainly just confuses me I guess.
I look back on the last 6 years since I graduated high school, and remember my senior year as the best continual time in my life up to date. That was a time when we were all still so eager to greet, and be a part of the big "real world". That is, before any of us knew the harshness of it all. Really, what was the rush? I mean, the drama excels, issues and choices are on a much larger scale, and have a much different outcome, and all your money goes to bills. What is the fun in, or hurry for that? I feel like I've let myself and a lot of other people down, because all of us had such believable aspirations for me, that now almost 7 years later still have not been able to be met, and in all honesty, that truly just simply breaks my heart. And as I have tried to make efforts to get the ball rolling in any positive direction, it just seems to get stopped in its tracks. I hate feeling this way about myself because I'm not normally like this on a regular basis, and as much as I work hard to not let people see it, I struggle sometimes too I guess. How much more can a person take sometimes, you know? As much as I treasure and love my CP, for how it has made me who I am, and all the stronger for having my identity wrapped up in it all my life, all I can say is, it takes a lot for me to just be me everyday of this life.
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