With my whole heart, more than my life...

Hey everyone, I realized this morning that I haven't written a blog in almost 2 years, and so I wanted to leave my mark once again.. It has been a very fast, life changing couple years of growth as an individual for me, and I don't even know where to begin truthfully.. Many of you, who are already following me on Facebook, know a lot of what I'm going to write about already, but it's nice to get it all out in writing.. I used to write all the time, journaling, letters, all of that, but then it was as if I lost my voice, and all my words were gone.. My heart had stopped too. It all started the day I found out my best man and guardian angel had passed away. At that point Austin had been a part of my life for 8 years, 3 months, and 10 days.. And those were the best days I'll ever know. I've written about Austin before in a couple of my most previous entries to this one, so I don't think I need to repeat myself too much, but some things still need to said. Austin simply was one of the greatest people I'll ever know, he is the reason I'm even still here so that other people can still have me in their lives. Many people won't know until now that I was in a very dark place within myself when I met him, and he's the person who brought me out of that. I never told anybody this, but now it'll be out there for everyone, but that throughout my life I had gotten really good at holding in the hurt, and putting a smile on just to give me strength to make it through daily life, in a sense up until he walked into my life, (or more like ran into my life), and could break down those walls, it was a lie to the rest of the world, but it was what I had to do to make it through, and he saw that. It's like he knew it from the very beginning without my needing to ever say anything at all about it, we were kindred spirits in that way I guess. Our spirits were drawn to the other's, especially mine to his, because I could sense his genuineness, the trueness, the love, and family all staring back at me. It wasn't as if he had known me for years and had grown up into any of our bond like most other people, it was straight off the bat for him, which kind of actually took me aback for a minute, most people eased their way into knowing me and walked on egg shells for a very long time, but not Austin, I was his Dooley girl from hello. I was normal and I was beautiful just simply as me, I was everything I had wanted to be to everyone else to him right away. He believed in me in a way nobody else did, and that alone among many other things from him truly saved me in so many ways, through his love I felt like I mattered again, and that in itself helped me to believe in myself again. I was needed by him as the other half of our best friend duo, and so I just had to be there.. To encourage him too, to greet his smile with my smile, to have my arms open for a hug whenever he needed one, and to have my hand available if either of us needed another to hold. He would ask me daily, "have you saved/changed the world yet today, Dooley?" And if I would say "no" he would then say, "well then Dooley girl, you're nowhere near done". Those words now resonate in my head everyday, and give me all the more reason in the world to still keep going, even if it means that now it has to be without him. "Without him" I really truly hate the idea of that. To this day, I still haven't let myself realize that he's really "gone". It took me 6-9 months to grieve the loss of his earthly shell, but I know that he in every other aspect is still here with me. In small gestures he still sends signs that save me from myself, mental/emotionally and physically everyday, so that I don't fall figuratively or literally. I mean lets face it, we met by both being late to the same class and nearly knocking each other out as we were trying to get through the door, and he caught me as I nearly fell on my face, and we sat next to each other and were inseparable since. So how could he not still be here for me? He's still the reason a smile reflects back to me in a mirror, how I can look at myself and tell myself I'm amazing, beautiful, a rock-star, and many more gifts all because of him. I hope now people will be able to respect just how much he meant to my life, and the saving of it, and just how much we loved each other as best friends to the other. Before him, I never thought I'd ever be seen, but in being given the gift of Dooley, I truly was. There will never be anybody who will ever adore me, the ground I walked on, or even the fact that I walk at all, quite like he did, I was on a pedestal, perfect as I am, and so was he for me. We saw each other beyond how the world around us saw us. Accepted. Lovin'! 4 Life, BubbaLove. :) Together we had a dream that we would one day open up an agency that would help disabled people and people battling addictions. Well bubs, that agency will open. Your Dooley graduated in 2012 with my AA, and now I'll be transferring to CSU in the fall,just as we always planned, and the dream will live on all because of you. So, that is what I have been up to the past couple years everyone, getting the first part of my education done, and continuing on. Austin was there when I made the decision to officially finish my AA, he got to be a part of my first 3 months back into it, and he was there as I walked across that stage and got my diploma, just as he always said he would be, and he was there as I got my acceptance letter to CSU as well.. The hardest most bittersweet lesson I had to get throughout all of this now in getting everything academically I've always wanted, is that sometimes you have to loose your whole world in one person to get to where you stand today, and as Austin said as I made that decision, "If you do this, I'll be with you every step of the way Dooley, cheering the loudest at every turn, and at your graduation(s)", and you know what? I know he was and still will be too!!!! "Always and forever!!!" :)