Letter to a Angel..

My Dearest Austin, Man, it has been forever since I wrote those words. I can't remember the last time I wrote you a letter, I think the last time was at your memorial service, to go in your family's memory keepsake box, and as I said that day, I don't know how to sum up any or all the words to truly explain just how much you meant to me in the very depths of my soul, because you truly had all my words with you, and you still do to this day, they left this earth the moment you did. I have been able to recall small blips of memories to share with everyone online, but I still don't think anyone will ever know, heck, I don't even think you knew most days, even when I told you. How did we get here though, to the day when everything I write you now has to be past tense? Even though time has past, and I've let go of you, the most I'll ever be able to, it's still just simply not fair. How is it that one of the greatest people I will ever know and love in all of my life had to be taken, and horrific and terribly awful people still get to be here??? Without you here, the world I now live in is just an existence, I'm so not even kidding you bubs, not even a little bit. I am still haunted by that one reoccurring dream you knew of, that one I used to have all the time of you stuck in the pitch black dark woods, calling out for me to come find and help you, since I'm the only one who can hear you, while you are being trapped/tortured and you're in pain and I have to get to you to make it stop. So, I run against time every time, and just before I reach you, you start to flat-line and my legs turn to noodles just before our hands grasp and we are able to save one another. We always saved each other both in the figurative subconscious and the literal conscious life. Though now, looking back, I know exactly what it was that my mind was trying to tell me was causing you such pain, and I'm so blessed to have gotten to be who I was to you, and to stand by and "save" you in whatever way I could. I remember once how you wrote me, and told me I was a miracle that was brought to your life, and how I was a gift from/and how you believed in God, when really you were also all those things for/to me as well. What freaks me out the most though is that just before you left us, I began having the dream again only now just before we reached each other you flat-lined, and I fell down a spiraling hole as my noodled legs then became part of the ground.-- I was unable to save you, and that's the way it reoccurs now.. Why wasn't I able to save you? In dream or reality, when just who I was and my faith/belief in you was enough before? You always came back. I recall all the moments you came back with such unbelievable fondness, the moments I would hear the Dooley Call from behind me, and for me to stop and turn around to find you holding your hands out for me to "run" to you to be then spun around in a hug of being reunited. I ask myself that all the time, you really should just get to be here with us, period. There's also another dream I only have now since you've gone, where I go with you, the same way you went, holding your hand as we both go together, so that we are not alone. That's the thing though, why would I dream something like that, when you never let our friendship be effected by that world? We were just us when we were together, Austin and Dooley, that's it. We were untainted, we of course knew of it, but just never spoke of it, our friendship was pure, innocent, and an all around genuine bond just for who the other person was, and for what we meant/brought to the other's life. We never once fought, or were mean to the other, ever. You never once even wanted me to worry or to be sad ever either. The second you thought I was ever gonna cry over anything, you were the one who was there with open arms for a hug, and you promised me that you would always be there when I needed you, to be my family, and that I would always have a family in/with you. You did everything and or anything to make me happy, anything to bring a smile to my face, including saying "yes" to prom. We were going to be the "Pimpinest couple there," as you called it, in our sparkling red. Only we never got to show that off. So, I guess that's what the most recent dream shows me, that whenever I really am meant to join you, I really won't be alone, because I'll have you there with/waiting for me, and we'll finally get to have our dance in our red threads, and finally run that race we owe eachother. I look forward to all the things we'll get to do once we're together again someday, and therefore, I am no longer scared of dying. I can't wait to ride rainbows with you, and throw snow and weather conditions down at/to people down here on Earth. As I once told you BubbaLove, I have always envisioned my heart to be filled with many more little hearts inside of it, and each person in my life holds an individual heart of mine all their own.. Our friendship though, the Austin and Dooley duo, held/holds the "box" if you will that holds all those said hearts. The heart of all the hearts, my heart.:) I know you're still with me everyday as I still talk to you vocally, but I miss writing you, so I think I may keep it up, my blog will get to have a special section just for you now, so that you can receive updates on the adventures you are sending my way. I love and miss you bunches bubs, everyday, more than you'll ever know... *Pounds* and ~Swiggles!!!~ to you forever and always, Lovin'! 4 Life!!!! Love, Your DooleyGirlLove